God's Plan for Husbands

Open your Bibles, if you would, to Colossians 3:19. Again, if you need a Bible there is one under a seat nearby.

Picture in your minds, if you would, an older couple. You can see them alongside the shuffleboards in Florida. Or on the porches of an old folk’s home, up north. An old man with snow-white hair, a little hard of hearing, reading a newspaper, through a magnifying glass. An old woman in a long dress, her knuckles gnarled by arthritis, wearing sandals to ease her aching arches. They are holding hands and in a little while they'll both totter off in a nap. Then they will have supper and watch a little TV. Each knowing exactly what the other is thinking, until bedtime. They may even have a good, you know, soul stirring discussion just for old times’ sake, just to prove that they still really care. And through the night they will snore loudly, each comforted that the other is still there. Resting where God has put them. They have committed to biblical love. They have always been in love, although sometimes it was hard to see. And because they have committed to a biblical love of Jesus Christ they have survived everything. Everything life could throw their way. Even their own failures.

A God designed marriage, according to Proverbs 18:22, brings a blessing. Last week we talked to the wives from Colossians 3:18. Men, you’re up. Enjoy it. You need to get on board with God's design. Don't look at me as though I have put all these things into practice. Praise God, I'm just a conduit of God's message. So these things have been pounding my little heart all week, knowing it was coming. Let me review a little bit from last week. Just to set the stage again. We read from Genesis that marriage is God's design. Marriage is between a man and a woman. A husband is a man. A wife is a woman. Our feelings don't change God's truth. Playing dress up doesn't change God's truth.

The husband and wife are to enjoy their relationship with each other in a deeper way than any other relationship on Earth. They are to leave their father and mother and cling to each other. Have children and subdue the earth. This is the normal pattern. More specifically, this is God's design. So, the husband is to marry his wife and follow God's design. They enjoy exclusive relational benefits and grow in their love for one another for a lifetime. Last week we learned about the wife's role. Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” We also learned that when we put God's plan into practice, we are most fulfilled. Specifically, last week focusing on the wives. When you put God's plan into practice you are most fulfilled as a woman in life.

This week, Paul has an equally brief yet poignant message for the husbands in Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” So, as we're going through Colossians, Paul is going to give an overview of relationships and how they're to work in life. Starting with the wives, than the husband's, then he's going to move on to children and parenting, then he's going to move on to the work relationship. We learned last week that these verses are in context. They are to be enjoyed in context, not taken out of context and used for personal benefit. So let me summarize a little bit of the context just to bring a refresher here.

Paul is writing in 60 AD or so to the Colossians. He's never met them. And he's heard about them from their pastor who was Epaphras. And now he is sending a warm, loving letter back to them, charging them to live out the Christian life. And their reputation precedes them. These are godly people who still need to excel even further. In Colossians 3:12-17, Paul calls all believers to certain characteristics: to live with compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. We are to bear with one another, that is, we are to have extended patience. This is just common in the Christian relationship in general. We are to forgive as Christ forgave. That is common between believers, not just in a marriage relationship. We are to be ruled by a peaceful heart. Doesn't that sound good? I'm telling you, God's plan is better than anything we can come up with. To be ruled by a thankful heart. We're to have a Word-filled, a Word-saturated heart, a heart rich with God's Word. We are to be sharing the Word with one another, overflowing in thanks to God with songs to one another. Not just singing on Sundays, but throughout the week. The sound of music should fill your ears in praise to God. And we are to do all things for God's glory.

Then, after that magnificent section, he says [Colossians 3:18], “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” So, we learned that a relationship that is defined by meekness and patience and kindness and love and singing and praise, and joy is an inviting place for a wife to fulfill her role. And then he said, as if that wasn't enough, [Colossians 3:19] “Husbands, love your wives,” and the antithesis of that, “do not be harsh with them.” In the context of a loving godly relationship put forth by a man who's constantly working on those characteristics. This is an inviting passage for a man to consider.

Yet the world has a couple of categories for men too, don't they? As I thought about this and thought about the world's portrayal of men, we can kind of narrow it down into two groups. The buffoon or the beast. I mean, in reality, that's pretty much it. The buffoon needs advice from his superior at all times, because he can do nothing right. It's amazing that even breathes well. That's the buffoon, that's the caricature we see in most of the world's portrayal of what God has designed. Let that sink in. Those are shots fired at God. Then there's the beast. You know, the muscle clad guy who can chop wood but still can't tie his shoes. He can take charge and conquer and protect. But that's about it. You wouldn't want to live or get too close to him because he still needs his superior to help him. And I would agree that he needs his superior but his superior is Christ.

Those are all tearing down the vision, the portrayal of a godly man. And men, you are to be neither of those things. The biblical husband is loving. He does provide, he is the provider for his family. He is a protector of his family. Not because that's all he knows how to do but because he loves his family. He loves his family. The husband leads with servant leadership. This is just the foundation, we're not even into specifics yet of what this love is. But if you think through the most loving person ever to walk the face of the earth. If his goal was to seek and to save the lost, if his goal was to serve and not to be served. Men, as we consider Christ, our greatest example, who is the greatest servant of all, who spilled his blood that we remembered this morning.

The biblical husband strives to present his wife to God unblemished, nourished by the Word of God. Her failings are not ammunition for argument. The “I told you so’s,” the “you should have listened.” They are pointers to the way we need to further dispense the Word of God and allow the beauty of God's Word to shine through in the life of our wives. This is simply the context of the verse. As the husband begins with these godly characteristics, it surrounds the wife with an inviting atmosphere where she can thrive. Where Christ is exalted and submission is pleasing. The world knows nothing of this. It is fitting then as Paul gives a very direct, yet brief, exhortation to the men that he starts with love.

Men, let's consider what this love is and what it means. What is biblical love? Well, we don't have to wonder, it's defined. If you would, turn to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and let's see what Paul (who also wrote First Corinthians) means when he talks about these things. “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13:13, “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

Now, this passage in its context is incredible. You see what Paul is doing here in First Corinthians is he's going through, he's explaining the spiritual gifts, and he mentions these most magnificent spiritual gifts, the miraculous ones. And then he gets to the point where he's talking about love and he says this is superior to everything. This is the greatest! In the broader context of the chapters, Paul elevates love beyond moving mountains. In 1 Corinthians 12:7 he says, “To each [one] is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.” The gifts that you have, are not for your benefit. That alone, the knowledge of that alone, would take care of a lot of the falsehoods out there about spiritual gifts. They're not for your benefit. They're for the benefit of the common good. When the Holy Spirit manifests himself, his direction, his will, his power in your life, it is for the benefit of others.

Men, take that thought into the very next chapter. For this love, how it's described, it's for the benefit of others. This love is not self-serving. When you get married you think that and you think that love is just self-serving. I, you know, I got everything I was looking for here, right? It's for me, I love everything about this person. And a lot of times what we mean is because I think they're going to make me happy. And we replaced Jesus Christ with our spouse. Your happiness comes from Christ, and your love is to serve others.

Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of the Spirit is love. Along with all the rest of those: love, joy, peace, patience, and the list goes on, and ends with self-control. The point is, is that biblical love must first submit itself to the leading of the Holy Spirit. You can't just go, “Wow, alright, today I'm going to love the Misses.” And just go about everything you think she would enjoy for the day. You first need to get on your knees, and pray and beg God, that the Holy Spirit would be working in and through you, men, for the benefit of your spouse. John 15:5 Jesus says, “I am the vine you are the branches…apart from me, you can do nothing.” That's the night Jesus was betrayed. He's telling his disciples some of the greatest verses on discipleship and relationship in all of Scripture. He starts towards the end of chapter 13 goes through the high priestly prayer in chapter 17. And he says you can't do anything apart from me. And yet when we start our days, we need to remember that that the strength to love our spouse comes from God and without that it's only failure. The good thing is that God can do his work through you men. God can live in and through you today, right now, for his glory. Biblical love can only be achieved by the power of God.

And if you're single here, then love one another. If you're widowed here, teach the younger ladies, what a godly biblical marriage looks like. If you've been married for 40 or 50 years. No matter what your situation is, if you're a child looking forward to these things, even like thinking about them. If you're in college and you're trying to ponder, “Who should I marry?” We need to get the definition of love and an understanding of how love works in our lives right. You need to learn to swim before you jump in the deep end. But if you already are in there and you're flailing around, just know that God can bring about his goodness through you today. His arm is not too short. Our heart is not too calloused. We need to have a loving submissive spirit to God.

When a situation at home is frustrating, men, you need to lead. And if you're the cause of that frustration, you need to lead. And if you're not the cause of that frustration, you need to lead. And the way that God has called you, means he is also going to enable you to live this way. So, this isn't a walk out the door with your tail between your legs, this is a celebrate who Christ is and what he can accomplish in our lives. But it does get frustrating at home sometimes. Let's say you have children. And let's say, they have grandparents who love to fill your basement with plastic. It's like Walmart showed up, right, at home. There are toys everywhere. And your kids think that their main mission in life is to distribute the toys evenly across the entire house. And they are effective, you think your children can't be effective, they are good. They coordinate attacks on you. They are excellent at these things. And so when you look at your children – as some of you call “your sweet blessings” – and you say, “Would you please pick up the toys?” And you envision this scurry and flurry of activity. “And yes, mother and yes, dear father, we love to serve you and to put the toys away and we just, we can't do it enough. We are so sorry the toys are all out. And it's still midnight.”

But then that one child, you know that child, whose got the lion in their eyes. And they see it as an opportunity to remind you, you're not God. Which is true. And so, they go over to their toy and they pick it up. And then say, “I did it. I picked up the toy.” And you in that moment realize the depth of your depravity. And the anger you have not dealt with the from last night's toy collection. And in that moment, you know you need the power of the Holy Spirit. But you're just getting a flicker. And you need the full power of the sun to come through. And you kneel down and you look at your child, in their eyes, on their level. And you invite them to consider God's Word. Because you have died to self and in you the Word of Christ dwells richly. And you are able to teach with all wisdom and thankfulness in your hearts to God. And you give this sweet little soaking-wet-30-pound-child an opportunity to give God glory in her life. And you endure all things because you imbibe biblical love to your family. And you are not irritable or resentful. Because the Holy Spirit thrives in your heart and flows from your mouth.

That is what we are aiming for, men. To allow God to live through us, to die to ourselves, to use our life for the benefit of our spouse. Whom we should love above and beyond our children. There should never be any competition with the love that we have for our spouse. Except Jesus Christ. And that is simply a matter of priority, not competition. When we find ourselves falling short as men, we must demonstrate confession and repentance. So that we can show our children, that we are not too prideful. That it is God in us that is most important. That we can show our children the way forward when they sin, we forgive and ask for repentance like Daddy does. Who points them to Jesus who died on the cross for them. And when we succeed, and we do that well, and we resist being prideful, and we're humble about it, and the Holy Spirit is working through you, and he will. We give praise to God. And we thank him for his plan. And we thank him for the opportunity to love.

Biblical love is not only sacrificial, it is fully Christ-like. When your kids look at you and they go, “Where is Jesus?” We demonstrate Christ's likeness to them that points them to the Savior. Turn, if you would, to Ephesians chapter five. You're doing good men, I see that none of you have fallen over yet. Praise God for that. Wives, be praying all these things, keep your elbows tucked in the whole sermon. Ephesians 5:25-33 says this, reading out of the ESV,

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Let me summarize. To the extent that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ loved the church, men, love your wives. If we know more about our hobby than our wife, it's time for change. And I've been there and those things can creep back in. At one point, I remember living in LA and I loved to watch LA basketball. I don’t like it now because there's another guy there but a long time ago, there was a guy there I used to love to watch play basketball. And I put that as a priority in my life above my children and above my wife, I would not admit it. But the Lord used one of my children to remind me of this to convict me of this sin. And as I was watching the game, one of my children got up in front of the TV and did this and said, “No more TV, Daddy.” Yeah, I know you can relate. Thanks for letting me know that. But if you work at, know your hobby, are seen as an expert in your hobby, but you're failing at home it's time for a change. I'm not going to give recent examples, that'd be too convicting, that was a long time ago.

If you look forward to the game more than your wife, it’s time for a change. If you look forward to when everyone is sleeping, huh parents with young kids? It's time for a change. Now the Lord says rest is sweet. Alright, for the laborer deserves his rest. So, praise God for rest and sleep. But we should not look forward to when everyone is sleeping more than when they're awake. You see a godly man in the hands of God is a flood of blessing to his family. We must wash our wives with the Word, no blemish. The brand-new restored Ford Mustang, baby blue. You might have slipped in a supercharger there. No scratches, no blemish, fine-tuned. Because you are there. The same level that we present our image to our friends, and our boss, and online. We must be ready with the love, the biblical love, that God has commanded and entice our wives to the love of Christ. They should find refreshment at those things. This takes time. It takes effort, men. It takes submission to God.

We love them like we love ourselves. This is one of my favorites. In the passage here, it's repeated twice. It's not just once. Love your wife as your own body. You say, “Well, obviously I don't love my body the way I should.” But do you enjoy food or force yourself to eat nasty food, men? We eat good food. Why? Because we love ourselves. And the better the food, the bigger the smile. You rest when you need rest. You wear comfy clothes. Even though they don't fit, you've had them for six years. You still wear those shoes and those outfits because they're comfy. Why? Because we love ourselves. It doesn't even need to be defined in Scripture. Just love your wife like that. You listen to the music you enjoy.

We should make sure that our wife gets the rest she needs. That she gets the affirmation she needs. That she gets the love she needs. That her clothes are cared for. She might actually care what she wears. I know some of you men do as well, you're very sharp. But you need to make sure that she is well cared for in that area as well. You need to help with the work at home. Help in caring for the children. And I don't mean just keeping the sofa warm. You need to give her time and specific affection, the way she enjoys the time and affection. She should find the most comfort when she is near you. Just in case any of you fall short in any of these areas, confess your sin to your wives. Beg for their help. They're a companion, designed from man's rib specifically for this task. And by God's grace, they will enjoy it and the whole family will reap the benefits. And we are dedicated to our wives, the same way Christ is dedicated to the church.

The summary so far is that biblical love is the greatest distinguishing mark of a godly man. And biblical love is Christ-like love. That's the first half. Okay? Bootstraps, let's go, next half. Love flows through godly communication. Colossians 3:19, I didn't forget about the second half, “and do not be harsh with them.” It's obviously the antithesis of biblical love. Here specifically with your wife, he just says, “do not.” That is a command, it's not a suggestion, it's a command. We can use our words to precisely cut the way we want to. I know, I have to talk a lot, every Sunday. And I have to be calculated and careful with what I say, not to say anything that goes beyond God's Word. But also not to fall short with what God's Word says. To bring the weight of the passage to bear on your lives, to bear on my life, for God's glory. And we should be just as calculated, men, at home when we speak to our bride.

We should not let disappointment become bitterness in our hearts or apathy, if that's your bent, passivity. There’s no biblical, passive man in Scripture. We can't let sin and disappointment rule the day. You know the phrases you use. The “you never’s,” and “I always have to’s.” Instead, we should forgive. Forgive, it's freeing to forgive. If you want to bless your wife, ask for forgiveness. It throws the burden away of you, and off of her. at allows her to see Christ. It is so freeing. But we can't ask for forgiveness if we're using our words in harsh ways. I have too many examples to give you for that one, in my own life.

You know, when Ann and I got married, 25 years ago or so. And we were before that and going through what they called “biblical counseling” and, you know, premarital counseling, and I was like, this is going to be awesome. I am going to be so equipped and Ann's going to be so equipped. And it was kind of like, take this personality test, you'll be fine. And my sweet pastor then, who just sent me a text even again yesterday. I just had deaf ears. I wasn't listening to his counsel. And that does not create a fun garden to live in. That's a weed filled garden with thorns and thistles at every turn. Producing nothing except wanting to try something new and getting overwhelmed and burdened by expectations and emotions and bad communication. We should not go into marriage unprepared. And when we do, we should get on our knees and beg God for the patience not to speak when we know we're not going to say anything healthy. And for the wisdom to speak words of kindness to our wives so that we can bless them with our words.

Some couples argue a lot every single day. And I remember thinking everybody must argue all the time. Like that just must be normal. There must just be strife in America, where all of our needs are provided for – easily. As soon as something bad happens, couples go like this and they're looking for someone to blame and you know, while the other person is talking, you're loading up the barrel. You’re getting fresh ammo, not really listening. Trying to resolve the issue it just snowballs and you grab every single last hurt you can ever think of and it's just like. Yeah, now you know you're the problem, right? I mean, who wants to live like that? Instead, forgive. I'm worse than you know, if you could see my thoughts, I'm worse than you know. You see, we need to have a right understanding of ourselves before a holy and righteous God.

If a person can touch, faintly touch and try and save the Ark of the Covenant – which was just a representation, where God would come and dwell, after it was put in the temple after it was cleansed and washed and sprinkled with blood, and then a person can come in – if a person to save the ark, as it's falling over, just touches it and is condemned to death. What do you think it's going to be like in the very presence of God, himself? That's how we should see ourselves, men, before God. It does away with the self-righteousness, and the anger, and the “things aren't going my way.” We must put aside the bitterness and the anger and the strife. Those are the verses before Colossians 3:12.

A house that forgives is a peaceful house. Do you want a peaceful house? A house that forgives is a peaceful house. A peaceful house. Men, you are the leaders of your home. And the demonstration of forgiveness starts with you. It starts with me. I'm tempted to cut this short because this is already too convicting. But I won't. Jesus had to demonstrate this and teach this lesson to the Pharisees, to the religious leaders. The lesson of understanding our true place before God. You see, the religious leaders looked down on the sinful people, they didn't even want to be touched by them. And so, when Jesus is at the house of the Pharisees, in Luke 7, and he just comes in, he's sitting at the table. I'm sure they're gloating that the most wanted speaker is at their house, the guy who draws the crowds. The guy who produces food for thousands at just a mere prayer. That guy is in our house, at our table, and he sees the pride. He sees their lack of understanding their sin.

And so, he teaches them a lesson. And so, he asked them, one who was named Simon there. And he uses the lady who's come in, the sinner, probably a prostitute in town. Who knows she's sinful, who knows her sin. She knows the depth of her depravity. She doesn’t even speak. She simply comes in recognizing her position and the Lord Jesus's position. And she uses her tears, with her long hair, to wipe his dirty feet. She kisses his feet, and the Pharisees are appalled. They had Jesus all wrong. He came for sinners. That's who he came for and they wanted to shun her away. He’s like, “No, that's who I came for.” He says, “Who do you think loves much? The one who's forgiven much or the one who's forgiven little?” And because they loved money, he told them a quick story about two debtors that were forgiven. One a lot and one a little. And they all said, “Oh the one who was forgiven a lot would love much. So, she loves much because she has been forgiven much. You see that, men?

Ephesians 2:4-5, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive with Christ – by grace, you have been saved.” You're not saved because you're worthy of it. You're saved because of the grace of God. He's showered you men with so much mercy, so much grace, undeserved grace. And if we would give just a drop of that to our wives, we would have the best marriage on the planet. Grace, love, and forgiveness needs to abound in a home led by a godly man.

So, love flows through this godly communication. As you think about your words, I want to press a little more about the words that you use. You remember the verse that says, “We've been bought with a price,” right? “Our life is not our own.” 1 Corinthians 6:20. We see that, we know we need to serve the church, we know we need to serve our families, and we give of our effort. We serve in all kinds of ways, we're diligent at work to not lose our job, as best we can. We're diligent at home to serve as best we can. But this also includes our words, and Paul makes this abundantly clear in 1 Corinthians 6:20, that God has also purchased everything we say. Every single thing we say, must represent Christ, not a single word uttered that doesn't.

Paul says in Ephesians 6:19-20, “[Pray for me] “that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly [to what? to boldly] proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains.” He says, “I'm an ambassador for God, pray for boldness that I, Paul, would open my mouth, because I'm an ambassador, and I've been given what to say.” Men, we've been bought with a price. Your words have been bought with a price. God used words to speak the world into existence. They matter. They are powerful. God called his Son, the Word of God in John chapter one. God calls Scripture, the Word of God. The Bible that you have, that you hold in your hands, needs to be a treasured possession. Don't use it like a football to kick around, like some churches do. You can watch those videos online. Don't use it to prop your door open.

What books [of the Bible] call Scripture, the Word of God? In the New Testament alone: Matthew does, Mark does, Luke does, John does, Acts does, Romans does, First Corinthians, Ephesians, Colossians, First Thessalonians, First Timothy, Second Timothy, Titus, Hebrews, First Peter, Second Peter, First John, and Revelation. That's it. The Word, the Word of God. The Scripture. The Scriptures. They're powerful. They're important, they change lives. Words matter. 1 Corinthians 8:1 says, “love builds up.” 1 Corinthians 14:26, “Let all things be done for building up.” All things! 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up.”

You say, “Pastor, I need some encouraging right now.” Submit yourself to the Word. Use your words to refine, to encourage, to protect, to love. My favorite of all time – this was one of the first real biblical counseling sessions I was ever in – Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Christ-like love, Christ-like communication. Men, our words can build up and give grace at just the right time. This builds her up, this cherishes her, and showers her with love. And we all need to grow in it. Men, this is God's plan for your life.

Let's pray.

Father God, above all we want to please you. We just in considering your Word, fall so short. We want our wives to be loved and cherished and cared for. And a good day should not be to have fewer arguments. Lord, we want to build up our wives because we love you. Because we want to please you. Lord God, help every man in here to love their own wife, the way you've called us to.

And Lord, I pray for those who don't know you. Who have seen a picture and a portrait of biblical love within a marriage this morning. That they may give their lives to you. That they may confess their sin to you. Knowing that it is only by the grace of God that anyone is saved. I pray, dear God, that they would cry out to you and ask for forgiveness and salvation. And that, when that happens, the fruit of their lives will be evident to all.

Now let's just take a moment, right now, to ask God to help us to live the way he's called us to in His Word.

Lord, it is only by being connected to you and your grace, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that we can do anything, anything. Lord, I thank you for these things. And may you be praised in our lives, this very day. Amen.